Wednesday, July 11, 2007

we miss you and still visit sometimes

Today we played at the old park by our old house. It was so quiet - except for the wind blowing through the leaves on the trees and the stalks on the field corn rustling from that same breeze. SO QUIET.

I missed our old house so much just then. I thought about how that scene would have been our very yard, and we could play out there like that EVERY day and then go into the old farmhouse and wash up for dinner. I loved how Johnna could just roam around the wide, open grasses and go up to the edge of the forest and "smell" flowers. How John and I could play croquet and keep an eye on her but not worry about whether or not she was halfway into someone else's yard or nearing the busy black top street.

We let her walk down the dirt road, the dirt road that led to our old house. The dirt road John and I walked on so many times before, when we lived there.

This was an actual picture I took, back in the autumn of 2004, when we would actually walk down this road and know it lead home.



It felt very empty to wander down that same old dirt road (only much brighter and greener as it is now summer in full bloom). I watched my little girl walk down the road, her little moccasins leaving dusty footprints behind her. I wished then that I could give her everything. And in that moment, our old farmhouse seemed as if it could be everything.

I whispered to the trees tonight, asked them how they could go on without us, and they replied that they had gone on long before us, and then I felt dumb for even asking. I did tell them to whisper words to the lab and get me employed there once again.

Our old place is up for sale again. It has been "fixed up," so is selling for much more than we bought it for, way too much that we could ever afford.

I wish we could have everything we had then, only have Johnna, too. It would have been perfect.

Tomorrow I need to clean this house. Clean clean clean, really good. I also just realized that, although my hair is the same as it was on Mother's Day (see below), it is also very different.

Melissa at 10:21 PM

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