Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Broken.
This evening we decided to go outside before Johnna's bed time. We had been watching "Supersize Me" on DVD, and Johnna was wondering around, bored and fussy. Although it is sometimes nice to sit back and relax, I ALWAYS feel guilty anytime I am not putting my attention on my baby. I'm glad we decided to go outside. Although it was humid and sticky, the sun was mostly low in the sky, so it wasn't hot. The neighborhood kids were outside, as was our neighbor Blake*.John and I sat on the driveway, picking random 'weeds' out of the gravel. (It becomes rather addicting). Johnna scurried about pulling grass and 'flowers' (dandelions and clover) and tasting a rock or two. "Gicky," she'd say (icky), and toss it away. She didn't hesitate to try and run out on the road a few times, too. Luckily, our road is not a busy one (for the most part), and it is really short so you can see a vehicle the minute it turns onto our street. She'd cross the line, and I'd run off for her, but sometimes it was fun to play the "I'm going to get you" game and watch her trot along the edge of the road, closest to where our grass begins.
It was then that our neighbor Blake came over. He's a friendly man. I think he lives alone, for the most part. His parents stop by now and again, and he has an almost-two-year old, but she doesn't live with him. She's been there a couple times, that we've seen.
Well, I saw him coming and just thought he was off to do something in his yard. "Hi!" I said.
He hesitated and said, "hi" back.
"How are you?" I said medium-uncomforably.
"fine, fine, you?"
"Oh, pretty good," which is what I always say, no matter what. It is simpler than 'good' but seems more conversation-worthy. Meaning, there MIGHT be more to what I'm saying, but if you wanna know you have to ask. Most people don't. Some do - like "aww, just 'pretty good?'" And then I usually lie and say something like, "well, actually things are great!" But, like I said, that doesn't happen to much. Anyway, to my suprise, he kept on coming into our yard, carrying some videos.
He explained to me that his daughter is almost two and was getting to old for them. He offered them to us, for Johnna. There was a Dora video, Jack Frost, and two others. I thought to myself, I don't know...would his two year old have lost interest already?"
But I didn't say anything else. Other than, "Oh, are you sure?" Friendly, and reassuring-like.
"Ya, ya! She has SO MUCH DORA! And I might even have some old toys..."
By this time John came out of the garage. Could I see some question in his expression? Jealousy? Even though he never speaks of being jealous (because he has NOTHING to worry about), sometimes I think he is a lot more jealous than he lets on, like when some other guy is actually TALKING to me. I could sense a hint of...competition in his voice, as he spoke to Blake. As if, he wanted to keep the conversation short and let Blake know that he was control of things in our yard.
I felt kind of bad. I didn't want Blake to sense this, too, because from the few times I've talked to him, he's seemed really nice! He brought over a friend, talked about his cats. He told everyone he now has two, he just brought home a baby kitten. John's phone rang, and he didn't hesitate to answer it. I felt kind of bad. Blake excused himself, his friend stood around kind of nervously. blake was back shortly, John still on his cell, sitting on the bench. It was J., talking about band practice tomorrow nite. (It's at 7:30, so Johnna and I will have to find some sort of evening adventure to endure! Even though I am always very sad when John's gone when he'd usually be home, once he has left, it is kind of excited to do things on my own, and even better yet now that I have a little pumpkin to have a "girl's night" with.)
Anyway, when Blake came back (I was in the garage finding a plastic bat and ball), I saw him kneeling by Johnna (who is normally really hesitant 'round strangers). As I got closer, I saw he had brought his new little kitten over to show Johnna. SO NICE! Of course, Johnna didn't say "Meow" as she did when Blake and the kitten were leaving, but that's ok. I thought it was a nice gesture. I thought about things and how much he must miss his little girl. I've only seen her over once or twice, for week long shots, if that.
Later, when we were inside, John and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe he wasn't going to see his little girl anymore, and he was getting rid of some of her things, to not remind him of her. Maybe?
As I tucked Johnna in, I thought about Blake and his little girl and about all the other parents out there, who might not live with their child, who might not live even CLOSE to their little ones...and I thought about adults who might not live together anymore - adults who were best friends, flames, who laughed together, who might have even been married to one another...when things go wrong and families are broken. It happens, and, I imagine and have heard, that sometimes it is for the best.
But I did also realize that, even though my life has its many stresses and problems, the two things I am most sure of, could absolutely NOT live without, are right underneath my nose. And I am so lucky in that way.
*denotes name change
Melissa at 10:34 PM